Sunday, May 18, 2008

Heart Pulled to Pieces

How's that for an emo title, kids? Its never a good sign when I'm blogging at 4 am, but this one's been in the works for awhile. In the last few months I have resigned my first ministry job, finished my first full-time year of seminary, weathered a church crisis, and I continue to grieve Bud's death. Needless to say, my heart is feeling pretty raw right now. In the next three weeks I finish up youth group for the school year, transition to camp, perform a wedding, preach a Sunday, have Graduate Sunday, finish up confirmation projects, and launch our church's process of adopting Safe Sanctuary guidelines.

So... I'm not even sure how to put my current feelings into words. I feel sad. I'm feeling like I don't have time to feel my feelings because I should be doing the long list of things I have to do. I want to be with my friends, but when I'm with them I worried that I'm being too much of a downer. The bright spot in the last few months has been my youth group - I can't say how proud I am of them, and bonding more with them is making it so much harder to leave my job.

Don't worry, though. This is a phase, and one that I have been through enough times to recognize. This is what happens when God is tearing my world to shreds in order to rebuild it. That sounds more dramatic than I mean it to. God always puts things together better than I could. I trust God to do whatever God wants with my life (I do have a few suggestions, however). Between my faith and my exhaustion I can't do anything but go with the flow, and wait for that wonderful moment when the tightly wound feeling in my chest begins to unwind.

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

- Regina Spektor, "The Call" (At the end of Prince Caspian)

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