Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Vacation Speed Bump

So one great thing about this trip, is that for once I have only been responsible for myself. With the exception of a few e-mails that I've had to keep up with, I have been able to be a tourist and a 23 year old. Not a "pastor" necissarily. At home its really hard for me to stop thinking about church and youth group and kids and responisibility, etc. Here, it has been amazing to see the sites that I want to see, and hang out with friends, and lie on the beach in my non-camp bathing suit. I've been visiting ministries and talking about ministries, but really I've just been gathering information about things interest me (mission, justice, history), and saving the application to my own life and ministry for when I get home. Emotionally, it has been so relaxing!

This vacation state of mind came to a screeching halt the other day, when a friend looked at me with excitement and asked me about my ministry. I've answered this question a million times but for whatever reason, this time I realize how tired I was before I left for my trip. This conversation forced out all of these questions that have been floating around the back of my mind, and prompted my last blog. The thing is that when you love ministry, it can consume your life very quickly, and I'm still trying to figure out how to be a 23 year old in ministry (with like... a life). I'm still learning how to be a youth pastor, and how to focus my time and energy. All of that learning gets really tiring.

Luckily, I am in the Free State now, visiting Nick, and there is absolutely nothing to rush around doing. Somehow, during the drive from Johannesburg to Kroonstad, I was able to remind myself that part of the purpose of this trip is to recharge my batteries. I hate to admit it, but I think Gavin DeGraw had something to do with my relaxing again. Normally I doing really like that One Tree Hill song, but singing it in the car was strangely therapeutic.

I've spent today just hanging out by the pool, reading and talking. There haven't been any ministry visits, and tomorrow I'm going to see Lions and then head back to Jo'burg. I've had plenty of time to process at my own leisure, and I've come to a couple conclusions. 1) I need to put more effort into my devotional times, which have been lagging. 2) I need to put more effort into being 23, and stop worrying so much about immediate self-actualization. I need more adventure in my life. Holly Morris, a writer, documentary director, and adventurer wrote, "Adventure is about the way you walk to the corner store, and the way you want the Australian Outback."

Lame Lyric of the Day:
I don't want to be
Anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do
Is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms
Wondering what I've got to do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me
-Gavin DeGraw

2 Comments:

Blogger B said...

(This ties more into your post on wanting to "do something", as well as your decision to have more adventure...) I definitely think the way to figure out what you should do in life is by doing something, then seeing if that works, trying something else, etc. Life is pretty much trial-and-error, which is something I'm trying to learn, too. I tend to make decisions with a ton of hand-wringing and planning everything out meticulously, but ultimately, I know life isn't a theoretical exercise.

Also, what you said about feeling tired while explaining about your ministry totally reminded me of how I felt talking about journalism when I was in Minneapolis. I generally think of my life in terms of what I do, not who I am, and I'm suspicious (or annoyed by) people who claim to have known forever what they were destined to be. I knew a lot of journalism students who were born with a typewriter in their hands, and they just turned me off. The people who I find really interesting are those who struggle with their life, who are passionate but kind of confused, who don't have some unwavering, consistent plan for their life. They're the people who, at 50 years old, say they still don't know who they "want to be when they grow up." So anyway, I think it's totally cool that you're obsessed with, and tired by, self-actualization. It feels sucky sometimes, but I think it's better than people who don't wonder about anything, who don't see life as an adventure. And I'm sure you'll have learned a LOT more in the end.

7:57 PM  
Blogger Megan Methodist said...

Oh Bryna, I knew you'd comment on my post. I always think of you when I post long introspective my-so-called-life generation posts.

10:04 AM  

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