Saturday, March 01, 2008

Track? Which Track?

It is starting to sink in that I don't have a plan for after December.

I love plans. I actually have lots of thoughts about what to do, but its kind of just a soup of things I want to do, with nothing concrete materializing. People are constantly asking me what I'm going to do after I've finished working at my job, and I don't mind, but I don't have much of an answer to give at this point.

And then I've been getting my paperwork together for my annual meeting with dCOM (District Committee on Ministry). My candidacy mentor told me today that the meetings are just so that they can make sure I'm on track (meaning, I am discerning my call and making my way through the candidacy process for ordination). Ultimately I'm supposed to be figuring out whether I want to be on the Deacon track or the Elder track, what kind of ministry I am called to, what kind of degree I want, etc. And I have plenty of time to do so.

But I've been developing a negative reaction to the word "track." I'm supposed to be figuring out what track I'm on and right now I don't really want to be on a track. I have been on a track my whole life. Part of me wants to be a bum for awhile, to shun responsibility and have fun.

The last few nights I've been really restless and unable to sleep. I keep thinking about all of the things that I have to do and all of the things that I want to do. I'm getting antsy the way I do when I haven't traveled in a few months (isn't that ridiculous?). I'm starting to stress the way I do when I know that I'm not going to have much time for friends for a few weeks. Right now I am obsessed with the desire to re-arrange my furniture but my room is too messy and my furniture is too big for me to move it myself.

I know things will work out, and its not that I'm discontented with my life right now. This is the problem with being a person who loves plans but is sick of living according to a plan.


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